


You Saved Me

by PatronGoddessOfAngst



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Highschool AU, Human AU, Human Sides (Sanders Sides), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Self-Harming Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Suicidal Anxiety | Virgil Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21866527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatronGoddessOfAngst/pseuds/PatronGoddessOfAngst
Summary: It’s Virgil’s birthday, and his boyfriends are prepared to celebrate, but first, Virgil has something to say.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, LAMP - Relationship, LAMP/CALM, calm - Relationship
Comments: 27
Kudos: 307





	You Saved Me

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: (past) self-harm, (past) suicide attempts, (past) self-hatred, depression, anxiety

“Is everyone in their pajamas?” Patton asked, surveying the room. Sure enough, Roman and Logan were both wearing their favorite comfy clothes. For Roman, that happened to be a dark red bathrobe and some fuzzy white slippers; for Logan, it was his black and blue flannel. Patton himself wore the cat onesie Logan had given him.

He gave a nod of approval. “Alright, kiddo! We’re all ready and set to celebrate your birthday.”

In the other room, Virgil smiled. “Okay, Pat. I’ll be right there.”

He glanced down at his hand, which was covered in his messy purple scrawl.  _ I just want them to know how much they mean to me. _

Virgil often acted as though he cared for nothing and no one, but the truth was, he was incredibly soft for his boyfriends.

He just never knew how to show it— but maybe now that would change.

Now that he was stable, now that he had prepared for this moment, now that he felt  _ loved _ .

He bit back his nerves and stepped into the living room.

Roman whistled. “Hot  _ damn _ .”

“Shut up, Princey,” Virgil snapped, flipping him off and grinning like an idiot. He flopped back onto the couch, wrapping his arms around Logan and Roman, who laughed.

“I’m getting mixed signals here, Vee,” he admitted. Virgil pressed a kiss to his cheek. “How’s that for a signal?”

Roman mumbled something unintelligible and Virgil smiled.

“I love you guys,” he announced, standing up again. He gestured for Patton to take his seat, then continued. “I love you guys a whole lot, even if I’m not the best at saying it.”

Patton opened his mouth to protest, but Virgil cut him off. “Which is why, before we celebrate me, I want you guys to know just how much I love you. Just how much you mean to me. I want you to know that, quite literally, you three saved me.”

He took a deep breath and took off his hoodie.

Everyone froze.

“I… I never planned to make it to my nineteenth birthday,” he admitted, gently tracing one of the many scars lining his chest. “I was suicidal. I cut myself every night. I tried to kill myself, several times. You guys… you guys saved me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for…”

His voice broke. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you three.”

Before anyone could say anything, he kept going.

“Roman, you were the first one to save my life. I was walking home from school. I wasn’t planning on living to the next day. You probably don’t remember, but it was the first time we met. You were distracted, singing Disney songs, and you ran into me. I skinned my knee on the pavement. You felt bad, and you offered to help me home. I tried to decline, I really did, but you insisted. We argued about the themes in Disney movies, and whether there was a dark side to Disney. When we got to my house, you noticed there wasn’t a car in the driveway. You asked if anyone was home, I said no. You asked if I wanted company. I wasn’t sure how to answer, but you seemed to know what I meant. You said you would stay until someone got home, so I wouldn’t be lonely.”

Roman nodded numbly. “I spent the night.”

Virgil looked at him fondly. “I didn’t think you would remember, but yeah. You spent the night, and you saved my life.”

As if he were on autopilot, Roman stood up and hugged Virgil. “I love you so much, Vee,” he whispered passionately. “My  _ God _ , just thinking about the fact that things could have gone another way…”

Roman shuddered and Virgil squeezed him. “Think about how I feel.”

Roman let out an awful sob. “I’m sorry. If I had known…”

“But you didn’t,” Virgil reminded him reassuringly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I should’ve… I should’ve noticed.”

Virgil kissed his neck. “You’re not at fault, Ro. You  _ saved _ me.”

Roman sat back down, and Virgil turned to Logan.

“Logan, you were the second to save my life. It had been a few weeks since the incident with Roman. I craved having Roman by my side every second of the day, but I couldn’t very well have that, so my suicidal thoughts were getting more… persistent. I was walking through the hall, planning to overdose after school, when you walked into my life. You were putting up posters for the debate club. You dropped one of the posters, and I picked it up for you. You thanked me, and asked if I was interested in joining. I didn’t know how to decline, so I nodded, and you asked my name. I was hesitant, but I told you, and you looked at me… this is going to sound stupid, but you looked at me like I was worth something. You added my name to the list, right under yours, and told me that the first meeting was being held at lunch, in the theatre room. I was the only one there, besides you. You did a good job of hiding it, but I could tell that you were hurt, and even then, I hated to see you hurting, so I suggested a debate topic—”

“Whether or not the world hates us,” Logan recalled quickly. “Your anxiety versus my reasoning.”

Virgil nodded. “Yeah. We debated it for a while, and by the time lunch was over, I felt… better. It was about that time that I began wondering if I had a type— you know, cute guys who argued with me.”

Logan reached for Virgil’s hand, and squeezed it. “I don’t believe I would have been able to live with myself if things had gone differently that day.”

“You’ll never have to find out,” Virgil assured him. He then turned to face Patton.

“Patton, you were the third to save my life.”

Before he could say anything else, tears began to stream down Patton’s face.

“Hey, hey, calm down, buddy,” Virgil mumbled. “Don’t cry, please. You’re gonna make me cry.”

Patton nodded, wiping away his tears, and Virgil smiled gently.

“It was at least two months after meeting Logan that I finally decided, once again, to kill myself. That was probably the second lowest point of my life, because, that time, I wanted it to hurt. I didn’t want to go easy. I wanted to punish myself.”

His voice was rough and sore, but he pushed himself to keep going.

“I was going to hang myself with my bedsheets. I was in the middle of tying a noose when… when Patton knocked on the front door. At first, I ignored the knocking. It was probably the mailman. But it kept going, so I sighed, set down the sheets, dug my nails into my skin and answered the door.

“Patton had brought cookies. He said he was going door to door with them, and that they were made with love. I almost cried. I took a cookie and one of the cards, closed the door in his face, and ran back to my room and untied my bedsheets. I took a seventeen hour depression nap after that. The cookie was the only thing I ate that week. God, I was in a bad place. But Patton managed to lift me up just enough to keep my head above water.”

By this point, Patton was sobbing miserably, his arms wrapped around Virgil’s waist.

“Virgie, I should’ve known you weren’t okay when you answered the door, I should’ve checked on you, I should’ve stayed, I—”

“No. I was good at hiding my feelings, Pat, and you’re not responsible for anything I was doing. None of you are. You guys saved me, and I can never thank you enough.”

Logan opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Virgil… you referred to the time Patton saved you as the second lowest point in your life. Pardon my language, but what the  _ hell _ was the lowest point?”

Virgil drew in a deep breath. “I guess you guys deserve to know…

“The first month of summer, the month we started dating, I ran out of my meds. My depression came back like it had never been before, my anxiety was fully heightened, and everything went to shit. I need you guys to understand that it had nothing to do with you guys, okay? Depression… it’s a bitch. It takes away your motivation, your happiness, all of the little joys in life. That month would’ve been the happiest month of my life if it weren’t for my depression.

“It was driving me insane. Nothing felt worthwhile. I couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. I didn’t eat anything for a week, until I got up and ate just about everything in the pantry. I didn’t even do anything on my phone, except to text on the Boyf Riends chat so you guys wouldn’t worry about me, but even that took most of my energy.

“I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. And I wanted it to hurt. I hate— I  _ hated _ myself. I thought you would be better off without me.

“The first thing I did was write a letter. I wrote to you three, about how much I loved you, and about how I was sorry that you had to deal with me while I was alive. Then I found a knife in the kitchen, took it to my room, laid down in my bed, and held it over my chest. I was going to stab myself. I had no hesitations, no second thoughts, no reluctance. I was going to do it.

“And then I heard footsteps on the stairs and I hid the knife under my leg as Patton burst through the door with a tray of cookies, followed by Roman wearing a party hat, and Logan with a tray of soups and crackers.

“I panicked. I asked why you were there. Patton said that, since I couldn’t attend any outings because I claimed to be ‘sick,’ you had come to visit me and help me feel better.

“I decided to play up the sick act to get you out of there so that I could finish the deed. I coughed, and told you all to leave before you got sick too.

“Logan shut that down. No one else was there to take care of me, what with my mother suddenly leaving town, and you were my boyfriends, after all, so of course you would take care of me.

“Patton flopped down on the bed, landing on the handle of the knife. He wasn’t sure what it was, so I lied and said I had glasses, then threw the knife behind my bed. Logan and Roman laid down too. Roman turned on Disney movies, Logan carefully massaged my head, and I fell back to sleep. I don’t know how long I slept, or how long I stayed in bed, but I do know that you three didn’t leave my side until I was feeling better.

“You three saved my life. You three gave me something to live for. You three are why I am here today.”

He suddenly stopped as three pairs of arms pulled him into a hug.

“I love you three so much,” he mumbled as he felt the three of them tighten their grip. “I would die for just about anything, but I would only live for you guys.”


End file.
